THURSDAY OCTOBER 11
THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE
It was a hard day. Chloe’s agent sent an email saying five of the biggest London agencies aren’t interested in taking her…a huge disappointment. Maybe I was naive about her chances, inflating expectations. We talked about this throughout the day.
I worry that she will doubt herself, both her ability to model and her beauty. Neither of which should be questioned. Modelling has been fantastic for her confidence, and I so hope she doesn’t lose that. Much of our thinking about how to design this year centers around her modelling. How will we build our schedule if it doesn’t work out?
No assurances or certainties exist in this year that we have chosen. It’s difficult not knowing, yet also part of what makes it exciting. The price of freedom.
The day was full of Chloe’s emotional outbreaks, totally understandable. I worry that we feed each other’s anxieties. I have this ache in my heart. I’m missing Chloe. So strange. Am I anticipating our separation? Am I creating it? Have I hurt her? These questions sear my soul. She is my world and has been for so many years. Is this the last year we can hold so close? What does my heart know that my head can’t understand? My head knows that we must make the most out of our trip. That is the most important right now.
It may be wise to forget the modelling altogether. We are yet to enter the Schengen visa countries, but once we leave London, we will have only three months in them, which must be followed by three outside of them. Maybe we should break up the three months. Go to Morocco and Croatia, then to Italy. Maybe we should go to Portugal before Spain. It’s all very confusing. So many options.
RENT IN
This month we received our first installment of the rent payment from our Vancouver apartment, $3,200 Canadian. The time in Ireland house/pet sitting has saved a lot of money for our future travel.
After a very tense morning, we walked to Pat’s down the road to use her internet. Pat talked most of the time making it near impossible to get things done. After Pat’s, we were off to Castlefreke, perhaps our favorite walk, through the woods, past the lake, over the grassy hill and to the most exquisite beach, Long Strand, where the waves crashed and the power of the sea was palpable.
Each day, we create a little schedule in the larger plan.
WITHOUT INTERNET
The Internet has all but stopped working, which is annoying and yet, without it, we spent the entire evening just talking. We talked about fears and eventual independence. It makes me jittery, the thought of life without her each day.
A storm came in the evening, winds at 50 kilometers an hour, hard rains during the night. The eye of the storm lingered at sea, closer to London than here. London had 70 kilometer an hour winds and crashing waves. Pat said the causeway might flood. She said it happens every now and then, but not to be alarmed. It subsides in some time and is passable again.
